Jimmy Buffett is My Nemesis

Generally, only super heroes have a nemesis.

However, despite my lack of super powers, I have a nemesis. His name is Jimmy Buffet.

Suffice to say, I won’t be hanging out with the Parrotheads during Buffet’s 2009 Summezcool Tour. I won’t be attending Buffett's concert at Waikiki Shell in Honolulu, Hawaii or his concert at the Verizon Wireless Amphitheatre in Charlotte, North Carolina.

Buffet has become my nemesis not because he thwarted my plan at world domination, but because he stands for everything I despise.

Buffet is the spokesperson for the “island lifestyle.” He sings about lounging around in the sun, drinking colorful tropical cocktails, smoking illegal substances, recreating in water crafts and overall enjoying yourself. He probably goes barefoot a lot too.

Meanwhile, my perfect weather day is 50 degrees and cloudy. I’m always sober. I hate the water. Fun is counterproductive and I need shoes on my feet at all times.

If Buffet and his easy going ways weren’t enough to make him my archenemy just check out the so called “Big Eight,” songs played at every Jimmy Buffet concert:

1. “Margaritaville"
2. "Come Monday"
3. "Fins"
4. "Volcano"
5. "A Pirate Looks At Forty"
6. "Cheeseburger in Paradise"
7. "Why Don't We Get Drunk (And Screw)"
8. "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes"

You may see a list of eight classic party songs, but I see eight cringe-worthy dirges. The only thing worse than wasting a day on the beach under the sun is hearing someone sing about wasting a day on the beach under the sun.

Just read these revolting lyrics from “Boat Drinks:”

I should be leaving this climate
I got a verse but can't rhyme it
I gotta go where it's warm

I don’t understand why the temperature should matter. If you’re cold just work harder.

If Buffet stopped right there he’d still be my rival, but he continued to record more of this so called “vacation music.” Here is a sentiment I can’t even imagine following. The lyrics are from “It’s Five O’clock Somewhere:”

Pour me something tall and strong.
Make it a hurricane, before I go insane.
It's only half past twelve. But I don't care,
it's five o'clock somewhere.

Actually that’s not true. I’ve written Mr. Buffet several times to tell him the world’s divided into time zones by the hour, so it’s only five o’clock somewhere in the world at the top of the hour. Mr. Buffett has not replied.

His upcoming tour is called “Summezcool.” Summer isn’t cool! It’s hot and sweaty, making it hard to get things done.

His past tours had similar unappealing names: 1978’s Cheeseburger in Paradise Tour, 1997’s Havana Daydreamin' Tour, 1998’s Don't Stop the Carnival Tour; and worst of them all, 2006’s Party At The End Of The World Tour.

Even reading about these tours makes me want to put on a tie and sit in traffic.

I’m sure my point of view is hard to understand. And I fully expect Parrotheads at Jimmy's upcoming concerts in Raleigh, North Carolina and Clarkston, Michigan to disagree with my outlook (I also expect them to ask me for munchies)

That’s okay, enjoying grey skies and working long hours is its own reward.

However, I must make a confession (just please don’t tell Mr. Buffett). Whenever it’s on the radio or whenever it plays in ITunes, I sing along to “Margaritaville.”

Wasted away again in Margaritaville
Searchin' for my lost shaker of salt.
Some people claim that there's a woman to blame,
But I know, it's my own damn fault.

Jimmy Buffett maybe my nemesis, but even I have to admit “Margaritaville” is a very catchy tune.

Maybe I’m a little bit of a Parrothead after all.